UPDATE ON ANNETTE BY KAREN
Dear Friends,
Good Morning Everyone,
Today marks the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Annette’s parents had a very strong and special devotion to the Sacred Heart, and they passed this on to their children, who continue it today… I thought it appropriate to send out a recap of my last visit with her and share what I have been experiencing with her through this amazing “journey”.
I was privileged to go to Grand Rapids for 5 days over the Memorial Day Weekend to care for her… I had not seen her since March at her 50th birthday celebration, so I was a little apprehensive and afraid… But, as it has worked out every other time I thought about going, my schedule cleared and a cheap airfare popped up on Expedia – and things were set into motion. I called Judy Corasaniti, who, as many of you probably know, has been making the trip to Grand Rapids every other weekend from Steubenville to care for Annette. I told her I was feeling scared about going, because it had been 2 months and I had no idea what Annette’s physical condition was at this point… Judy let me know that Annette had lost more weight and was significantly weaker than before. She said she was sleeping more and the pain was pretty much constant and increasing in severity. And then she said “The one thing that seems to bring her relief amidst the most excruciating moments of pain is praise and worship. She wants you to pray & praise out loud because it gives her focus & encouragement.”
Now, for some of you, that may not be a difficult thing to hear…but for me, I must be honest and tell you that my gut reaction (AND my verbal response) was “Oh, crap!” For the record, I don’t usually use that word in my vocabulary – but I was really, really upset!! I’ve been removed from the whole charismatic style of prayer for some time now… In fact, even when I was “in it” I wasn’t ever comfortable with it!! It’s funny how God works. Throughout Annette’s illness it seems that God has been asking people to step out of their comfort zone in response to her needs – and always, the results are amazing.
Annette insisted on riding with her sister Joyce to the airport to pick me up. She looked so tiny when she got out of the van… but her smile was huge and her eyes are still sparkling with joy. I had to hug her very tenderly so as not to break her already very brittle bones and cause further damage to her fragile frame… For me, being with her fills my heart with instant compassion and love… I can’t explain it because I’ve never really been in a situation like this before, but it’s definitely a spiritual experience to be with her. She asked if we would mind stopping off at the Eucharistic Adoration Chapel, because she has been trying to go as often as possible… We did, and on the way into the chapel, Annette stopped & grabbed my arm tightly and said “This is the one place I know I can come, and, for at least 1 hour, I don’t have any worries, anxiety or fears, because I KNOW I am right where I am supposed to be.” She was so excited to get inside!! Wow! And thus began a week like none I’ve ever had before.
We actually spent closer to 2 hours in that chapel, and were able to get there two more times during my visit. Personally, I just wanted to set up camp for Annette there 24/7 and felt that if she could be there every day, all day, all night, that would be the desire of her heart!! Unbelievable… Her heart is so pure and focused on the Lord – even amidst her intense suffering. But don’t to tell her she’s holy or on the pathway to Sainthood!!! She gets very, very upset and will argue that you would do the same thing in her shoes…and that she’s just an ordinary person saying “yes” to God – and there’s nothing special about it at all. And, she’ll keep arguing until you agree with her. I told her there’s no doubt in my mind that I would NOT respond the way she is responding right now!! I’d be on the pain meds and complaining all the time!! After all, I’m the mom who asked the nurses if there was any medical reason I had to endure pain BEFORE they would give me the epidural…and actually didn’t feel more than 2 contractions during labor.
Annette’s “typical” day was going something like this: Wake up – sometimes in really bad pain – sometimes not… (Always thankful and rejoicing when she was not!!) She can’t just sit up like the rest of us because her bones, which are disintegrating from the cancer, have shifted while she was lying down. She knows it’s going to HURT when she moves – yet she moves – slowly and purposefully to get to a sitting position. Once up, she has to take at least 10-15 minutes to let everything settle and pray through the pain. Her morning routine takes anywhere from 1-2 hours before she’s walking around and getting ready for her day. Getting dressed is a challenge because she can’t really lift her arms any more – they are very weak and she says her left clavicle is basically gone.
Once she’s up and around the “getting out the door” routine begins. She can’t just leave the house because she needs multiple supplements, specially prepared food, snacks, her medications, etc. Her sister Joyce has this down to an ART and it’s like watching a scientist at work as she prepares everything Annette may need for the day. Annette is still active in her own care as much as she is able. It’s harder for her to focus because she is increasing her morphine, but she remembers everything she needs to take and do. For me, that, in itself, is a little miracle! The cancer appears to be EVERYWHERE except her brain, and we thank the Lord for that gift every day!! The getting ready to go routine takes about 2 hours. She’s usually headed to the Born Clinic – which is an alternative care clinic in Grand Rapids. Annette receives IV’s of vitamins and supplements, and forms of alternative treatments to try and give her body what it needs to survive.
I asked Annette how much longer she thought she could fight. There are simply no more reserves to draw from! Having a nursing background, she’s keenly aware of what’s happening to her body. She described what’s happening and said these are all the things that happen in the final stages of life – so she knows that unless God chooses to heal her, her body will not sustain itself much longer. God continues to tell her “It’s not about the cancer. I can heal the cancer. It’s about the work that I’m doing in the hearts and lives of others.”
Each day she asks God for the grace to continue to say “yes” to this difficult journey. For the first time in 6 months I heard her say “I’m getting a little discouraged now. I need to do something to get on top of this.” She has not given in to depression or discouragement yet, and continues to try and find ways to distract her mind from the pain!!! She’ll ask you to watch a movie with her, or tell you to throw out names of people to pray for; she’ll try and get engaged in a conversation or even dance a little back and forth… She just keeps going!!!! It’s so inspirational and humbling at the same time! And then, right in the midst of an agonizing moment – when you are at your wit’s end because she doesn’t seem to be getting ANY relief from anything, including the pain meds – she’ll crack a little joke and you end up laughing together as she’s struggling for breath.
Eating is difficult… She avoids any foods that are processed or have the potential to feed the cancer. She continues to respect and care for her body however she can. We have found the occasional soup at Panera, and Judy has discovered organic fruits and vegetables – but the icky green drink is the mainstay for Annette these days!! She jokes and asks you to bring her Kailua. That protein shake & those power meals have been margaritas, lobster dinners – you name it! Whatever can be done to help her choke it down.
Her bedtime routine also takes about 2 hours. Part of the routine is to massage some healing oils onto her back and feet… This is one of my favorite times with her. She experiences so much pain and struggle all day… She is able to experience a tiny bit of comfort during the application of the oils and you just feel so grateful for that!! I could not help but think of the woman who anointed the feet of Jesus with the expensive oil, and then wiped it with her hair… What love she had for Him! How much she wanted to honor Him by her actions! Every time I help Annette with this process, it brings tears to my eyes and healing to my heart!!
Usually, she gets to sleep around 1:30 a.m. It’s very hard for her to find a position that is comfortable any more. She was in a recliner in the living room for a while, but was able to move back to her bad last week while I was there. She is sharing a room with Mary Grace right now – who is home for the summer from college. Prior to my arrival, Annette was waking up at 4 a.m. to take more pain meds… Judy said it was very important to get her the meds right away, or the pain would be unbearable by the time she woke up again later on… So, Annette and I both set our alarms for 4 a.m. and she did wake up on the dot…in a lot of pain, unfortunately! We moved to the living room and began to pray through what Judy had dubbed as “The Power Hour.” Intense waves of unstoppable pain…
By the 4th night, the Power Hour had turned in to two hours, and in talking with Joyce today, it seems the pain is increasing rapidly. Annette continues to offer it over. She started taking quick release pain meds in between her 8 hour pain meds, but they only had an effect for the first 2-3 days. She has increased her morphine intake as well. She doesn’t like taking it because she realizes it speeds up the process of shutting down her organs – but the pain is unbearable without it. There really aren’t any more times of relief for her…she is struggling more and more to breathe…texting and talking less…but still trusting that she is where God wants her to be. Joyce said her spirit is still very strong – but it’s a struggle for her to fight against getting discouraged and depressed all day. She is so tired…being in pain just wipes her out!
She was able to see all of her siblings over the Memorial Weekend, and her brother, Fr. Ron was able to get back from New Jersey to say Mass for her in her home, and also be part of their traditional Memorial Day celebration in her home town. Afterwards, Judy and I drove around with Annette and she showed us where she went to school, to church, to meet up with friends… Remember the movie “Driving Miss Daisy”?? That’s what it was like – her going home to see everything again one last time... It was very precious.
She talks about dying, as it’s a definite reality right now unless God chooses to heal her. She continues to go to an intercessors group, Adoration, Mass, and any of the kids functions that she can. Plus, she tries to get out for a walk every day. I was teasing her because she’s slowed down so much. Remember when Tim Conway played the old man on the Carol Burnette Show? It took him SOOOOO long to get anywhere!!! Well, she has mastered that impersonation and had us all smiling and laughing throughout the week! She has kept her sense of humor!!
She is responding to God’s invitation to suffer for the good of others. She doesn’t see this experience as something bad God is “doing” to her at all. Although I hate seeing her in pain, I do know a peace in my heart that I’ve never known before. I’ve stopped praying for her healing and have begun asking God to give her what she needs each moment to be where He wants her to be – because that is truly the desire of her heart. She has started to experience little “consolations” I guess…she saw her mom’s face giggling a few times, and also draws strength from hearing about answered prayers, changed lives, and how people have been inspired by her story…
In closing, I want to ask each of you to pray not only for Annette and her family, but also for her sister Joyce. She has made her life a living sacrifice to care for her sister. They have such a close relationship and Annette knows she would not be here if it were not for Joyce’s support and continued care. Annette’s plan for the summer was to move to Joyce’s house during the week (their kids all participate in a 6 week summer theatre program in Portland, MI) and then come back to Grand Rapids on the weekends where Judy would care for her… This was to go into motion this next weekend, but I’m not sure what is going to happen at this point…
So, I started writing this early in the day…but didn’t get back to it until later in the evening because of grad parties and other details of life!! Now it’s past midnight…so we are technically no longer celebrating the Feast of the Sacred Heart!! In any case, I think Annette needs our prayerful support more than ever right now as her days get darker. What a gift her life is!
Thanks for your time everyone. Oh – just a little side bar… She and I are working on her thank you notes from her 50th birthday!! She wanted so much to write to every person who sent her a card, gift or came to her party. It took a long time to convince her that this was going to be physically impossible for her to accomplish. She did write two notes this past weekend to the Burns sisters, and I think that took her about 1 ½ hours from start to finish! (She had to take breaks to pray for the pain, etc.) Still, this is something that is very important to her. So, we struck a deal: I could bring home the notes and get them ready for her, but she wanted me to send them back so she could sign each one!!!! Amazing…there’s just no other word to describe our friend Annette!!!!
Take care!
Karen
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