KAREN'S FINAL UPDATE ON ANNETTE: PART 1
August 11, 2010
My Final Update on Annette…
“After a long and courageous battle with cancer…” I’ve often read those words in the obituaries, but never fully understood them until now. The dictionary tells us that “Courageous” means bold, brave, heroic, and fearless. Annette was all of these things during the past year – but even more so during her final days with us on earth. I’m not sure I’ll be able to condense everything I’m thinking and feeling into a few pages, but I’m going to give it my best!
My longest visit with her took place over the July 4th weekend. I drove to Michigan with the intention of “filling in for the weekend” and ended up staying for 15 days. Without doubt I can say that those 2 weeks were the most meaningful, emotional, intense weeks of my life to date! I experienced extreme joy, sadness, fear, anger and peace during my time with Annette. Years of hurt seemed to be healed in an instant…not just for me. Annette was recalling little things that hurt her as well. She would talk about it, share the hurt with us, cry a little, and then just let it go… She realized that it was just “stuff” that needed to be cleared out – and she just gave it all over to God and allowed Him to heal her heart and restore her dignity. It was very powerful, very emotional & very physically draining; not just because of the experiences, but because of what it took to care for Annette. By the end of my visit, I believe her personal care team was up around 5-7 people. Moving her was a lengthy and consuming process. She was fragile and weak, but still giving us step by step, verbal instructions on exactly what we needed to do. Her nursing experience was crucially beneficial to us to the very end.
So much happened during that time! I think I shared about it in my last update, but honestly cannot remember now! I tried to journal everything as it happened – and write down key things Annette was sharing with us. As I go back and look, it takes up 65 pages in my journal!! I’d love to share everything with everyone…and hope to transcribe it all so it’s available if you are interested. Let me know if that’s the case and I’ll make sure to get you a copy! For now though, I wanted to focus on the last visit with her.
I left Michigan around July 18th and came home for about a week and a half. I knew it was time for me to leave, and talked with Annette about it. She agreed, but asked if I thought I would come back. I said “I will if I’m lead…” She had asked Judy and I to be with her when she was “out of it” at the end if possible. (Annette was always very specific about what she wanted!) So, my leaving was really difficult for both of us. When I tried to say good bye, I just cried & cried! Earlier in the week she woke up around 4:00 a.m. and I was next to her, taking that “shift” as we called it. She looked at me and smiled, saying “The Lord has given us some time together.” I smiled, and then broke down, because I knew it was going to be the last meaningful conversation we were going to have with each other. We talked for almost 2 hours! She said it was so perfect that I was there with her. She thanked me for my “yes” to God and asked if she could sing to me. Then she started singing her rendition of “You are so beautiful” – “You’re everything I hoped for, you’re the companion that I need…” She sang this to many of us in her last month…truly from her heart. We’ll never be able to hear that song again without being emotionally impacted. I guarantee it! She told me that for so long, she felt like we were kindred spirits and she never understood why I couldn’t see it! “But, it was revealed to you at the right time – the perfect time…” (It was revealed to me during that visit!) She told me that she was awestruck at the transformation that had taken place in me during the past two weeks. “You won’t be able to go back to life the way it was…” Then she rolled her big, blue eyes, gave a sigh of relief, flashed her trademark smile and said “THANK GOD!!!!” We laughed together out loud for a long time.
I share that, only to emphasize how hard it was to leave her. I didn’t know if I’d be led to return or not and neither did she. When we said good-bye, she started to cry and then said “The grief is too much for me right now, so I’m going to rest in God’s perfect peace instead.” She closed her eyes for a minute, smiled, and then opened them and told me not to be afraid that I wouldn’t see her again. It was time for me to go home, and she understood. I left her alone to talk with my husband Mike, who had flown in to drive me back home. (Yes, he’s a good, good man!)
Mike and I went on a few camping trips with Paul and Annette when our children were young. She and Mike hit it off right away. They share many qualities and personality traits. Annette was THRILLED to see him again! While we visited together with family and friends, she would stare at him and then turn to me and mouth the words “I just love I wish I had gotten a picture of them together! (I thought I did…buthim!” it’s in my heart I guess!!) She thanked Mike for loaning me to her, and asked him to look after Paul when she was gone. Mike and Paul get along well, and she wanted to make sure we would all stay friends even though she wasn’t going to be around.
On July 26th Judy and I were texting back and forth about how Annette was doing, etc. She was declining rapidly, so I wanted to know what was happening all the time! Judy sent me the following message: “I just told Annette you were texting me and she whispered, “Is she here? Is she coming?” I was in a gift shop after having lunch with a friend, and my heart literally fell to the floor… I wanted to get in the car that instant and go right back to Portland, Michigan!! On the advice of a wise friend, I waited to make sure it wasn’t just the guilt of leaving her that was motivating me. The “urging” to go back never went away and Annette was on my heart & mind constantly for the next few days. My body decided to join her on July 29th.
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